August

What a difference a year makes. I have come to a point where I no longer measure my life in my birthdays. My years start and end in August. Part of this is Little Miss's birthday is July 29th and part is the new school year. My anniversary is August 7th, so there is also a new beginning there. Last year, on my little one's birthday, I started this blog last year as a way to remember Aubrey's youth and things I want to tell her and teach her. Looking back, I had no idea where this writing would take me and the many things I would encounter. I would have never guessed where I would be, writing the blog a year later. 

Last year I imagined I would be writing this with a new baby, and if not I was sure I would be expecting. But I look and see a stack of fertility paperwork on the table and a stack of adoption information and applications. Not knowing what path to choose we are still waiting. Waiting longer than I ever thought I would and being more unsure than ever about next steps. What a difference a year makes. 

I imagined writing this with Josh's work schedule changing. As many of you know, he is gone most of the week for work. It was a "temporary" change, two years at the most. We are now inching in one three years. Two years seemed workable, but this extra year has seemed to become more exhausting. Little Miss notices that Daddy isn't here and misses him. She understands the idea of him being gone and cries for him to come home. In the past it was part of our routine and she didn't think twice about Daddy being gone all the time. 

Externally, things have changed. Aubrey is taller and the thick curls are running wild. My kitchen is remodeled with new granite and beautiful cabinets. Looking back on last years post I can see an evolution in the toys scattered across my living room. Last year it was stuffed Woody, Buzz and Jessie. This year it is sophisticated Barbies, dress up clothes and real puzzles she can actually complete on her own.  She is no longer in diapers (can I get a Hallelujah?!) She is starting preschool, talking like an eight year old and into independence. She has grown up into a little girl and I have to say, it is amazing to watch the beautiful little girl she is growing into. What a difference a year makes. 

Looking at work, there have certainly been changes in that aspect this year for both Josh and I. Some of them have been positive and some have been complicated. We have grown as professionals and friends. I am not the educator that I was a year ago.

Financially.. (Ok, I just had to take a deep breath. I hate discussing finances, but I think this is worth noting) Anyway, financially we have made leaps and bounds on becoming debt free. We are within reach of only having a mortgage and one car payment. Like I said, I am not one to share much about finances, but this has been such a rewarding process this year. What a difference a year made on our finances. 

Looking back on this year, there have clearly been highs and lows. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was anticipating certain changes and as you read above, many of those things stayed the same. Instead of situations changing, I have changed and after all, I can't say that waiting on these big events for so long doesn't change you. It hit me as I was thinking over this post in the car I couldn't help but feel discouraged. This year held such high hopes that I can't help but feel a little disappointed. But I am still holding on with anticipation, waiting and that's okay. This year will have wonderful things in store. Two of my best friends are welcoming their beautiful babies into the world. I am learning new things and growing as an educator and I excited to help my students. 

Looking forward to this next year with my family, I continue to be anxious. My goal for this year is to trust in God's timing and plan. Easier said than done for a perfectionist who tends to be a little of a control-freak! My verse for this year is Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Though I have some discouragement, when looking back there is no doubt that I owe Him thanks because he has done more than I ever deserved. 

I already know this year won't go as expected. I will have highs and lows and I need to give up control on what I think the year should hold. This is not about me. In the meantime, I will continue to be writing because I am looking forward to seeing what a difference this next year will make. 

Waiting

As a lot of you know, we are waiting for our 2nd child. Many of you read my "Struggling" post in February and I want to thank everyone for the encouragement and kind words. I was hesitant to write the post and it was difficult to share my struggle, but I am thankful I did. Many of you shared with me and it has really helped me cope with everything that is going on with our family.

I know some of you have wondered, a few have asked for an update. Unfortunately, there is not much to say. We went through many doctors appointments and various tests this spring and the results were not encouraging. We have spent the last few months praying, focusing on our family, praying and waiting for our next steps to become clear.

We don't have an answer yet, but this child is so real in our hearts. There isn't a day that I don't think about this child. I know that Little Miss and J feel the same way.

We have so many options, it is overwhelming. International Adoption, Domestic Adoption, Many different Fertility Treatments, it is overwhelming. We don't know what is in the plans yet, but we want this child to know that he/she is in our hearts and on our minds. There is so much love in all of our hearts for this child. We don't know when we will finally get this blessing, or how he/she will join our family, but our message is clear in our hearts. We cannot wait to meet you, Little One. We love you and we are anxiously waiting.

16 Reasons to Get Out of Bed...

As a mom, bedtime is a wonderful time. Cuddling, reading books and relaxing and your child  gently drifts off to sleep. Haha. Just kidding. I have a love-hate relationship with bedtime. I love the quiet that I get when it is successful, but getting there can be exhausting. It is really a gamble which type of night I am going to get. I have a daughter that loves her room, but does not love going to sleep. Unless it is her idea, but that is a rare occasion. I am also convinced that I have the wiggliest child on the planet. From the moment she opens her eyes to the moment she zonks out she doesn't stop moving (or talking). But once she does go to sleep, the quiet and peace in the house is priceless.

She will do anything to get out of bed. There is the usual drink/potty, but lately she has caught on that I am not buying these anymore. So, she has gotten creative and become an out-of-the-box thinker in order to avoid bedtime. This is a list of actual reasons (as given by my almost-3 year old) that she has to get out of bed.

1) I have the hiccups.

2) But the dog isn't sleeping.

3) I heard you  sneeze and need to say "Bless you"!

4) It's too dark outside! (said at 8:00 in July. Not dark)

5) I need a band-aid for my owie from last week.

6) My hair was being curly and tickled my nose.

7) My stuffed animals aren't closing their eyes. They'e not listening to me.

8) I need to put socks on to sleep.

9) Nevermind, I need to take socks off.

10)I rolled over and bonked my head. See?

11) I don't like my nightlight anymore.

12) I forgot what flowers smell like!

13) Luke (the dog) wants me to watch a movie with him.

14) I think I need a time-out.

15) The house has really big feet.

16) I need to dance the Cowgirl Twirl!

One hour later.... We are quiet. Maybe sleeping, maybe awake but I'll at least take the quiet.
What is your little one's favorite reason to get out of bed?

Hello to Summer

Ahh....It's summer.

There's really nothing new at the Blom house. We are remodeling our kitchen (pics to come soon), but I am enjoying summer. The last month of school was busy, as usual. I love all of the end of the year hustle and bustle. I also love how it comes to a screeching halt. It doesn't taper off, slowly die down. The end-of-the-year checklist has us going a hundred miles a minute. Then, June 6th, it all stops.

These last two weeks have been dreamy, so far. We go to the pool any day it is sunny and above 70 (three days so far), Little Miss plays outside more than inside. Playdates, the library (her favorite book is Aliens Love Underpants) and strawberry picking, complete with tractor rides! She is having a blast and everyday she convinces me more and more that she is a joyful child and delightful daughter.

An added bonus of our busy days? Long naps. I'm talking about 2.5-3 hours of quiet time. I've finally gotten caught up on laundry, organizing and cleaning! Our bathroom is sparkling and the Little One's closet is organized. I also made strawberry jam! I felt like I reached a whole new level of homemaker with that achievement. Salsa is up next! The little one loves helping me in the garden and has a great time pointing out our tiny "baby" peppers and tomatoes. She is quite the helper in the garden. Well, sometimes a helper and sometimes she just likes to tease Luke with the hose.

I love that Morton is starting to feel like home. I love running into people we know at the pool, library, restaurants and the grocery store. Those are the things that make you feel like you are part of a community. Our house is continually changing and we have lots of projects and remodeling going on, but I have to admit that Josh is making true on this promise to turn this house into my dream home.

So, no new news here, just loving the time with Josh and that perfect little girl. I am soaking up all the sunshine, and quality time with my favorite almost 3 year-old. I am so thankful I have a career where I can get this time with her. Life is so good in the summer.

She is a little fishy!

Strawberry picking - perfect way to start summer. 

The Best Heart

I have officially come to the conclusion that 2 year-olds have the best hearts. I know...you are now thinking of the "terrible twos" and some certain child who was a terror at that age. But from what I have witnessed these last couple months, I have to disagree. My daughter has absolutely the best heart, and she is only 2 and a half! I am sure she is not the only one either.

I have had a stressful/disappointing/faith-testing couple of months. Call it whatever you like, it's been rough. I just haven't felt like myself, been more negative than usual and I have just felt blah. I am sure that this extended winter we had did not help the matter. To be totally honest, I've been short on patience, motivation and I have just been grumpy lately.

Anyway, enter Little Miss. She is just the best little girl in the world. Her world is so full of love, so full of excitement, that she cannot seem to be able to contain it. She does not have a care in the world. This has been my light the last couple months and the thing that makes me smile.Granted, she's two, so we have had our share of meltdowns.However, I have noticed that she does something better than I do. I think she does it better than most adults do. She moves on. She truly forgives and genuinely forgets. It is amazing. Her fits last about one minute, then she moves on. It doesn't matter if she's upset at the way I made her sandwich or crying because Luke head-butted her and gave her a goose-egg (true story), after about a minute she forgives and is ready to move on with her happiness. No grudges, no whining, just done with it. What an amazing thing to be able to do.

She finds true joy in everything. I love to watch her experience the simple things, because I know that one day she will want more. She currently loves swinging, playing with sticks and leaves, and helping me water flowers. Somersaults and running in the grass seem like they could bring her joy forever. She loves carrying the dog's food bowl to it's place. She skips everywhere she goes and sings nonsense songs. Everything about her eludes joy and love. She loves when I make peanut butter and jelly. She loves the world and is so joyful about her life.

I read somewhere recently an article written towards parents of 2-4 year olds. It said "You will never be more loved than this." Oh, how that sentence pulled at me. She shows me more unconditional love than I could ever want or deserve. I tear up when I think about how absolutely blessed I am that God gave me this much love in my life. I thank Him for giving me her, for giving me this absolute love and joy. It leaves me speechless. She never seems to tire of giving me hugs, kisses or cuddles. Every time I see her I get a giggly, smiley welcome and the best hug you could imagine. It doesn't matter if I was gone for the weekend or I just went to the basement to switch laundry. Each reunion is equally as excited and joyful. It is just something that makes my heart swell. I never want this overwhelming love and joy to leave her. "You will never be more loved than this", made me realize this time with her is fleeting. Soon sticks and leaves won't be good enough to play with. Picking her up from middle school will surely not have the same excitement. I know there will always be love, but it won't be of the same magnitude.

So, I am on a mission. I don't know how to get there, but I will surely welcome any advice. I am going to embrace her whirlwind of love and hold onto it as long as I can. I vow to never turn down a hug, extra cuddle or kiss. Spontaneous, "I love you Mommy"'s will always make me stop and tell her how much I love her as well. I just want to keep her little and store all of these things in my heart. Long-live the loving, joyful whirlwind that are the toddler years.

A Few Of My Favorite Things (about Little Miss)

This is really not an exciting post. Just something for my little family to look back on and smile. I am sure wie will be adding things as we go. Just some things that I want to remember. From Winter 2013 - Spring 2014

1. Coming down to find her playhouse Christmas morning. And promptly looking at me and saying "Oh no, there are no snacks."

2. How much she loves her friend Jude (who calls her sweetie).

3. And how much she loves Luke. Who she referred to for a long time as "a mouse named Cheese".

4. How she takes her shoes and socks off, wiggles herself down in her carseat and opens the windows with her toes. Speaking of that, how about the time her socks somehow made it out the window.To which she told me "They flew away to be with their family".

5. The wonderful balance of independence (Mommy, can do it. I'm good) and wanting me there (Mommy, I thought I lost you!)

6. Helping her daddy, while giving me a heart attack.I am guessing this is something that is not going to change.

7. When Josh is sitting on the couch and she grabs his hand and says "Come dance with me Prince". And I sit and watch them dance all across the living room.

8. And all of these faces.

9. The sweet, sweet way she holds my cheeks in her hands and kisses me all over my face. My heart feels like it is going to explode.

I just can't help but think how things have changed. She is evolving and changing into the best little girl, more perfect than I could have ever dreamed of. We are so incredibly lucky 

Meatloaf Muffins

I married a wonderful guy. He is patient, helpful and very loving to both Little Miss and I. Josh is also from Iowa. He is a "meat and potato" guy, through and through. When we first started dating, vegetables and salads rarely made an appearance on his plate. I am a "fish and salad" kind of girl. So what happens when a "meat and potato" guy married a "fish and salad" girl? A lot of compromise. At this point in our marriage we have both compromised, but I have to admit the scales have probably been more in my favor than his. He now orders side salads and has discovered that he actually likes edamame and broccoli. I can make a vegetarian dinner and he eats it without question. 

My beef dishes I've cooked over the past 5 years have included this: Spaghetti and meatballs, Spaghetti and meat sauce, ground beef and taco seasoning, and the occasional crockpot roast. Yup, that's it. Now it's my turn to compromise. Partly because I need to branch out and partly we ordered half a cow and it's in our deep freezer. So after browsing recipes I remember one time I attempted to make meatloaf. Josh liked it, I didn't, so I abandoned it for the last couple years. It just seemed so...mushy. I decided to give it another go- this time in cute "muffin" form! They bake a lot faster and I personally like the crust that comes with doing them individually in a muffin tin. This gives it more texture.

Here is my new and improved meatloaf recipe-

Meatloaf Muffins
1 lb ground beef
1/2 cup breadcrumbs
2 eggs 
1/2 large onion (or 1 small) 
1/4 cup finely chopped carrots. Finely chopped because my little one can pick out vegetable with the best of them! This time she only picked out one piece of carrot :) 
1 tablespoon Worcestershire 
2 garlic cloves
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder 


1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a muffin tin
2. Finely chop onions and carrots 
3. In a medium bowl combine vegetable and all other ingredients. Mix well by hand. This is a lesson I've learned with my meatballs (which is one beef recipe that I have mastered). I've done it with a mixer and with a spoon, but it's just not the same! Mixing it by hand gets the best and most thoroughly integrated.
4. Put about ¼ cup of the mixture into each cell of the muffin tin
5. Make the sauce - equal parts brown sugar and ketchup. You can add less ketchup for a less sweet sauce, but Josh loves the sauce this way. 
6. Top each "muffin" with 1 tablespoon of sauce
7. Place in preheated oven and bake for 30 minutes. 

There it is! served it with potato pancakes and carrots - my "meat and potato" meal. This was such a pleaser for my family! Even my little picky-eater had seconds. This will definitely go into our regular dinner rotation. 

Venison Chili

This is my first "recipe" post. Now, I'm a pretty decent cook. I don't do it as much as I used to, but I know my way around the kitchen. One of Josh's recent favorites is venison chili. The problem is that I never follow the recipe! Am I the only one who cooks like that? I read like 3-5 different recipes and then take what I like from each one and combine it. In addition to that, I taste and season along the way. I typically have good results, but the problem is that I never remember what to do the next time! So, I am writing this one down as I go. Just hope it turns out as well as it did before - fingers crossed!

Venison Chili
1. I browned the 1.5 lbs of venison in a skillet and added salt and red pepper flakes. Like a dash of each? (Not only do I not follow recipes, but I also don't measure).

2. While the venison is browning, I chopped up a 1.5 green peppers and and 2 medium-ish yellow onions.  The extra half of green pepper was just because I had it in the fridge earlier in the week. If I hadn't had that, I probably would have use a whole number. I also chopped/added a couple cloves garlic. Sidenote - I always use fresh garlic and am currently growing my own on my counter. Anxious to see how my plant turns out!

3. Added all the chopped goodness to the venison and continued to brown it. Added another dask of red pepper flakes,chili powder, paprika, cumin, onion powder and some salt. This is when my house starts to smell like chili-goodness. Unfortunately my hands still smell like garlic. Ugh, I guess it is worth it.

4. After it was cooked and the veggies started to soften I put it all in my brand-new crockpot. I love my old and trusty crockpot, but I accidentally melted the face off of it and it no longer worked. Sometimes I am just not smart, but that is another story.

5. On top of all of it I added 3 cans of tomato sauce and 1 can of diced tomatoes with green chilies. I also sprinkled a packet of chili seasoning in there. I made my own once that was great, but I forgot the recipe (cause I didn't write it down as I was doing it. See? I have a problem).

6. Crockpot, on low for 4-5 hours. My new crockpot has an awesome attachment that actually stirs itself! So that's going right now. If you don't have that, then just stir it occasionally and add more seasonings as needed. While it is cooking I added about a teaspoon of each of the following: cumin, paprika,chili seasoning, red pepper flakes and  garlic salt.

We have guests coming over for dinner, so I am excited to see how this turns out! I'm also getting ready to bake a new cornbread recipe. Wish me luck on that one!

The verdict! It was great. So great that we are having friends over for leftovers today, but since there weren't a lot of leftovers I am making another half-batch. Unfortunately, it was the last of the venison in my freezer, so next time I will have to make it with regular ground beef. I have made it with beef before and it is just as delicious. The only change I would make to the recipe would be to drain the fat from the beef before putting it in the crockpot. We get all of our beef from a farmer in Iowa and it is delicious. Seriously, I will never buy grocery store beef again.

Cornbread was great too! Except I dropped the entire thing on the floor moments before dinner. It was the worst. But, my all of us tried a piece that hadn't hit the floor and agreed it was a great recipe. So, maybe next time I won't drop it and I will be able to actually eat a decent amount.

Confession

This post is hard to write. I am finally admitting a struggle. It seems that writing about it makes it real and publishing this sure makes me feel vulnerable. It is on my heart to share, and since I have never been a private person, I am hoping that this post will help someone, somewhere, with whatever struggles they are facing. Here is my confession, Josh and I are really struggling to have baby #2. It's not working and  my doctor has no clue why I am not pregnant. It has been an emotionally exhausting time, particularly the last couple months.We are in limbo...Nothing is "wrong", but nothing is "working". I am pretty sure in the educational field this is the point where we would start to blame the teacher, but in the medical field this is when we just "wait and see". I've come to terms with where I am right now. My little one prays every night and asks for two things : chocolate and a sister. One day it will come, but for now I have learned some valuable lessons during this last year.

1) I will never ask anyone, under any circumstances, when or if they are having kids. It seems innocent enough, I've done it countless times. Now that I am on the other side, I see how painful of a question it can be. I recently spent an entire meeting fighting back tears because in the beginning of the meeting someone said "Sounds like your daughter needs a little brother or sister". This is a woman I consider to be a friend, we've worked together for years. She has children of her own. I really enjoy working with her, talking to her, swapping stories about our kids; however, what she said hurt. She had no idea, so I am in no way blaming her, besides she isn't the only one. At another party a friend asked "Is there a little brother or sister in the future for your little one?" At Thanksgiving my grandma asked when I was due and every time my extended family gets together I get asked, "Do you have any news?" None of them have bad intentions, I completely understand it. They are considering it "small talk", at least that's what I did.  However, when you are having a problem conceiving, there is nothing small or light-hearted about the topic. Also, there really isn't a response to these types of questions. Trust me, I've tried out a lot of different ones. "I'm just enjoying time with our little family now", "My one keeps me busy enough", "We'll see". None of those are true, I'm just trying to mask my real answers and keep my emotions off my face, the whole time feeling as though I've been punched in the stomach.

2) These struggles are more common than you think.  If you know me, then you know I am an open book. I can't keep a secret to save my life. This led me to share information with people about our struggles. Once I confided in a couple people what was going on I was amazed at how many other women were affected! One friend estimated that 1/2 of the women at our church struggle. So why doesn't anyone talk about it?We share when we have other struggles, talk about the flu like it's no big deal, but this isn't brought up. The difference is that this is more personal. It is also because it is our forever family that it is affecting. I have always had this perfect idea of my family in my mind. I knew what I wanted and this is the first thing in my life that  I have wanted, worked for, but not been able to achieve. That is what makes it personal.  It feels like my failure(despite the fact that I logically know this is not the case). We all feel as though we need to be the "perfect" mom and wife, and this shows our vulnerability.  I know that other women feel this way too, and I hurt for all of those who keep it inside.


3) I will soak up every little moment with Little Miss : This is where the mommy-guilt is really hitting me. Josh and I planned for 2 or 3 kids. I have been functioning the last 2.5 years under the assumption that there will be another baby. Now, here I am thinking that it may not be a baby I get, but a toddler(adoption). How many coos, smiles, firsts or lasts have I taken for granted because of my greedy assumption? I look at her now, she's wearing underpants, the pacifier is gone and so is her crib.  I will keep looking forward, but I am refusing to let these things overshadow the perfect little girl that God has given me now.

4) I have the best girlfriends in the world:  These women deserve a huge shout-out here. I have a handful of women who I openly talk about this with. I probably share more than they would like, but regardless, these women hear it all. They have all come into my life at different times and know me in different ways. I have been lucky to make new friends as I open my heart about what I am going through and as Josh and I consider our options. Don't get me wrong, Josh is so supportive, but these women just "get it". I appreciate that, because when you are in a situation like this, it consumes your thoughts. It is constantly on my mind and all of these women know that. They listen to me change my mind on a daily basis, "I'm happy with one" changes to "We can adopt" and then it's "I'm not ready to give up". They allow me to do this and support whatever choice I am making that day. They understand when I cry at the sight of newborn baby, let me come over to sift through mounds of adoption paperwork. There are some days that I am not in control of my emotions at all and these women are there for me.I want it to be known, I am not taking these friendships lightly. I thank you all of that and thank God and his perfect timing that each of you has come into my life.

5) This is NOT in my control: We have this illusion of control in our lives. Some of it can be considered true. To be honest, this is the first thing in my life that I can't earn on my own, no matter how hard I try. I worked hard in high school, got into the college of my choice. Worked hard in college, landed a job I loved. Worked at my job and saved, bought a house I love. I am used to that strategy, work hard, do it all right and you get what you want. Naturally, it drives me nuts that the same philosophy isn't working with this.  I am doing everything in my control - tests at home, charting my temperature, recording every personal detail that I thought my doctors might find helpful. Everything was perfect. What did that tell the Doctor and I? That I am not in control of when I have a baby. If I was, then all logic would say that I would already have one. So logic is out and God is in. This is part of His plan, His perfect plan. If you ever happen to think that you are in control of your life, look at children. From pregnancy to birth to growing up, there is no logic behind it. It can't be explained who gets pregnant, when or why. Like I said, if it was logic, then I would already have a baby in my arms and not be struggling to write this. Look throughout the Bible, God uses these things to grow us and teach us. Throughout this God has helped me grow in my faith, strengthen my relationship with my husband, appreciate and enjoy my daughter and develop some wonderful friendships. I can feel that there is an ultimate plan" underway and I am trying to surrender control and let God do his work.
God has given me (and all of us) a great promise, so I ask that you pray for our family and our future child. Wherever this child is are, however he/she comes to us, we are already filed with love.

Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Enjoying the Quiet

As many of you know, this blog was started for Aubrey. It is for things I want to tell her or teach her. At least 85% of my intention. The other 15% is to help me process and think about her growing up and it makes me take time to reflect. Writing forces me to take a break and just think. No offense to you (my reader), but I'm not writing this for you. If you read it and like it that is great! I appreciate the kind words, if you don't read it or don't agree, no big deal to me. These are just my thoughts.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach Aubrey. There are a lot of things, which will probably come in future posts, but one has really been on my heart lately. Something I want her to learn, as well as something that I am working on. What I want her to know is how to be content in the quiet. Not just content, maybe even to enjoy quiet.

One of the best parts about this post is when it came to me. I was cleaning a toilet - no joke, on my knees cleaning one of grossest things in my house. I found myself feeling content, even happy, though that is such a weird feeling to have when cleaning a toilet. We were waiting for friends to come over, dinner was in the oven, the house was clean, Aubrey was napping, Josh was flipping through the magazine. No electronics, no extra noise, nothing going on, but it was the nothing that made me so content.

That got me thinking about how I want Aubrey to enjoy those quiet moments. I was happy exactly where I was, serving my family and friends and cleaning my toilet. We live in a world where there is always opportunity for visual, auditory or even mental "noise". With the tv, ipads, and our phones, Josh and I have to make a conscious effort not to get sucked into those things all the time. I can only imagine as technology continues to evolve that the struggle to disconnect from the noise to continue. I am amazed at what simple joy and clarity comes from unplugging and cutting out the noise. I want Aubrey to learn just because you can always be connected doesn't mean that you should always be connected.

It's not just the quiet moments I want her to learn to enjoy, but also the quiet stages in life. Josh and I are in one of those right now. I am nearing my late-20s I  and have been working hard towards my "future" as long as I can remember. I realized the other day that I made it. I am in the exact future that I have always wanted. I have met all my major goals in life. We own a nice house in a wonderful community, I teach and feel as though I am doing well in my profession, I have the fabulous friends, a wonderful, loving husband who supports me in every way and a spunky little girl who is perfect in every way. It hit me on the way into work the other day - I have everything I wanted. Everything I have prayed for since I was a little girl. This is the future I worked so hard to get. I finally am here.

I think part of it is that the momentum in my life has slowed down. High school seemed to start the whirlwind. Working towards college, extra curriculars, college applications, starting to figure out life, and who you are as a person. Yikes. From there it is college. Choose a career, study, earn a good GPA, volunteer, study abroad, mission work, student teaching, then graduation. I got my job but it didn't stop. Move, get married, buy a house, have a baby, buy a new house, move again. During all of this I have also gone through my first five years of teaching, in which I felt as though I was constantly growing and learning in my profession.  It has been a whirlwind, for as long as I can remember, but the past six months have seemed to slow down. We are finally "settled" into our house, I feel like I know what I am doing at work (some days). The little one isn't demanding my constant attention has gained some independence and is letting me sleep through the night (most nights). and Josh and I have a marriage communication and routine figured out. These days I feel as though I finally have a chance to breathe.I am happy with all parts of my life.

Then, why don't I feel content on some days? Growing up our parents, teachers, coaches and everyone else encourages us to keep improving and keep moving forward. People who tell us to never stop dreaming, work harder, plan ahead, get promotions, get another degree, keep moving forward. I feel like I am supposed to always be working towards something, but I'm at the point where I don't know what that something is,  because I am happy where I am. No one tells us what to do when we finally get to where we dreamed of. To be honest, it can be kind of anti-climactic. We are designed to always be thinking ahead and think about our future. This causes us to always be searching for something "more". I know there is more in my future, more kids (hopefully), Master's Degree, maybe a different job? Well, those things will be there, and my life will continue to evolve and change. For now I am going to enjoy the "quiet" phase I am in. That is what I want to show my daughter. That working hard and planning for the future is important, but enjoying the "quiet" in life is just as important.

I Choose...

I love my family. I cherish Josh and my little one so much. The kind of love that overwhelms your heart and soul. The kind of love that brings you to tears and laughter and overwhelming joy all at the same time. The kind of joy you wish you could share with the world. The kind of joy you believe would bring about world peace if everyone got to experience this level of happiness.

I love my job. I am confident in my work and realize that I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy. When I reflect on what  I do I am overwhelmed at the amazing opportunities I have to impact so many children. I have the opportunity to shape these children, encourage them, watch them grow and learn from them.

All of my roles, as a wife, a mother and a teacher bless me more than I can explain. I am at the point in my life where I know that this is me. I am doing exactly what God designed me for. When I sit and reflect on that I am content and happy beyond relief, but then there are those moments. We all have them, those moments that sneak up and make us question. Question if what we are doing is right for God, our family and for me, my students. Ugh...those thoughts can ruin perfect moments, good conversation and inner-confidence. I could say that  I wish those moments never happen, but ultimately for me they lead to more prayer, reflection and more purposeful actions both in work and my family.

My most recent "moment" was when a friend innocently said, "Well if I had to work..." and then continued to give me advice. I do not remember the advice she gave. Instead I only remember how she began her sentence to me. I'm not sure of a nice, or polite way to say this, but here is goes. Working is my choice. I don't have to work for any reason.  My husband is blessed with a great job that provides everything we need. My working has nothing to do with money. I am sorry if saying that bluntly offends anyone. I know that I am so very fortunate to be in that situation and I do not take it for granted.

Here is the fact: I choose to work. Everyday I choose to do in and teach I feel as though I am choosing hope. Hope that I can finally figure out how to explain subtraction or multiplication. Hope that I can teach a couple of them to be problem-solvers, or have stamina to work through new things. Hope that I can finally teach them strategies to overcome the obstacles working against them to have a better life. For some students, it is simply the hope that I can teach them they are important, they matter, they can make a difference. I choose hope for them, because as a teacher - as a human- if you don't have hope... well it just seems bleak.

Now mind you, I am not attempting to glorify myself. There are plenty of days I fail. My lessons bombs, my data is off and my goals that were so fresh and seemed so attainable at 8am suddenly seem so far away. However, there is something about opening the plan book at 7:45, looking at the goals and learning objectives and being hopeful that today is the day we will get there. At 7:45, every day feels like a possible day of huge success.

One day I had a particularly hard meeting with a parent. Without going into too much detail I will say that I felt as if I was fighting for this child. Trying to search for words to help the parents understand the child's needs. Desperately trying to communicate my hopes for this child and I was failing to help his family see the same hopes. I got into my car that day and cried. For him and all the other ones that need more hope and confidence from everyone around them. He needed hope, for someone to show that to him. I worked everyday to show him that. I worked to choose hope for him and show him how, despite circumstances, he could choose the same.

This hope, these goals and passion for teaching and these children is a part of me. I had "the guilt" about working in the beginning with my daughter. Will she feel as though I wasn't there for her? Will she be bitter that I am never the "room mom"? Here is what I realized that day- she will be okay. We have a great sitter who loves Little Miss like her own. She has a daddy that adores her and would do anything for her. She is the center of our world, our hope and our everything. She already has hope because she sees it in people around her. If Josh and I continue to be a lead example of hope at home and in her life she will understand the importance of what I do. One day she will understand. I hope and pray that she will look at what I do and understand that my work was never put before her or Josh, but that it is just another part of me. God designs us all in different ways and to do different things. This is my design and I am confident and comfortable in what I am doing. For now at least, because you never know how or when God will move you next. When that time comes, whether is is staying at home, pursuing another Master's Degree or whatever it may be, I will proceed with excitement in the new challenge God has presented to me.

Disclaimer: I just have to add this part. Please understand, I have had a hard time writing this, because I do not at all want it to turn into a debate for/against working moms/stay-at-home moms. They are both great positions to be in, each with their pros and cons. Everyone makes the decision that is best for their family and I really am not placing any opinion on the matter outside of what Josh and I have decided for our family. God designed us all with the perfect plan and placed us in different roles, each with a purpose and design just for each individual circumstance. To all moms : Thank you for all you do for your family!