Confession

This post is hard to write. I am finally admitting a struggle. It seems that writing about it makes it real and publishing this sure makes me feel vulnerable. It is on my heart to share, and since I have never been a private person, I am hoping that this post will help someone, somewhere, with whatever struggles they are facing. Here is my confession, Josh and I are really struggling to have baby #2. It's not working and  my doctor has no clue why I am not pregnant. It has been an emotionally exhausting time, particularly the last couple months.We are in limbo...Nothing is "wrong", but nothing is "working". I am pretty sure in the educational field this is the point where we would start to blame the teacher, but in the medical field this is when we just "wait and see". I've come to terms with where I am right now. My little one prays every night and asks for two things : chocolate and a sister. One day it will come, but for now I have learned some valuable lessons during this last year.

1) I will never ask anyone, under any circumstances, when or if they are having kids. It seems innocent enough, I've done it countless times. Now that I am on the other side, I see how painful of a question it can be. I recently spent an entire meeting fighting back tears because in the beginning of the meeting someone said "Sounds like your daughter needs a little brother or sister". This is a woman I consider to be a friend, we've worked together for years. She has children of her own. I really enjoy working with her, talking to her, swapping stories about our kids; however, what she said hurt. She had no idea, so I am in no way blaming her, besides she isn't the only one. At another party a friend asked "Is there a little brother or sister in the future for your little one?" At Thanksgiving my grandma asked when I was due and every time my extended family gets together I get asked, "Do you have any news?" None of them have bad intentions, I completely understand it. They are considering it "small talk", at least that's what I did.  However, when you are having a problem conceiving, there is nothing small or light-hearted about the topic. Also, there really isn't a response to these types of questions. Trust me, I've tried out a lot of different ones. "I'm just enjoying time with our little family now", "My one keeps me busy enough", "We'll see". None of those are true, I'm just trying to mask my real answers and keep my emotions off my face, the whole time feeling as though I've been punched in the stomach.

2) These struggles are more common than you think.  If you know me, then you know I am an open book. I can't keep a secret to save my life. This led me to share information with people about our struggles. Once I confided in a couple people what was going on I was amazed at how many other women were affected! One friend estimated that 1/2 of the women at our church struggle. So why doesn't anyone talk about it?We share when we have other struggles, talk about the flu like it's no big deal, but this isn't brought up. The difference is that this is more personal. It is also because it is our forever family that it is affecting. I have always had this perfect idea of my family in my mind. I knew what I wanted and this is the first thing in my life that  I have wanted, worked for, but not been able to achieve. That is what makes it personal.  It feels like my failure(despite the fact that I logically know this is not the case). We all feel as though we need to be the "perfect" mom and wife, and this shows our vulnerability.  I know that other women feel this way too, and I hurt for all of those who keep it inside.


3) I will soak up every little moment with Little Miss : This is where the mommy-guilt is really hitting me. Josh and I planned for 2 or 3 kids. I have been functioning the last 2.5 years under the assumption that there will be another baby. Now, here I am thinking that it may not be a baby I get, but a toddler(adoption). How many coos, smiles, firsts or lasts have I taken for granted because of my greedy assumption? I look at her now, she's wearing underpants, the pacifier is gone and so is her crib.  I will keep looking forward, but I am refusing to let these things overshadow the perfect little girl that God has given me now.

4) I have the best girlfriends in the world:  These women deserve a huge shout-out here. I have a handful of women who I openly talk about this with. I probably share more than they would like, but regardless, these women hear it all. They have all come into my life at different times and know me in different ways. I have been lucky to make new friends as I open my heart about what I am going through and as Josh and I consider our options. Don't get me wrong, Josh is so supportive, but these women just "get it". I appreciate that, because when you are in a situation like this, it consumes your thoughts. It is constantly on my mind and all of these women know that. They listen to me change my mind on a daily basis, "I'm happy with one" changes to "We can adopt" and then it's "I'm not ready to give up". They allow me to do this and support whatever choice I am making that day. They understand when I cry at the sight of newborn baby, let me come over to sift through mounds of adoption paperwork. There are some days that I am not in control of my emotions at all and these women are there for me.I want it to be known, I am not taking these friendships lightly. I thank you all of that and thank God and his perfect timing that each of you has come into my life.

5) This is NOT in my control: We have this illusion of control in our lives. Some of it can be considered true. To be honest, this is the first thing in my life that I can't earn on my own, no matter how hard I try. I worked hard in high school, got into the college of my choice. Worked hard in college, landed a job I loved. Worked at my job and saved, bought a house I love. I am used to that strategy, work hard, do it all right and you get what you want. Naturally, it drives me nuts that the same philosophy isn't working with this.  I am doing everything in my control - tests at home, charting my temperature, recording every personal detail that I thought my doctors might find helpful. Everything was perfect. What did that tell the Doctor and I? That I am not in control of when I have a baby. If I was, then all logic would say that I would already have one. So logic is out and God is in. This is part of His plan, His perfect plan. If you ever happen to think that you are in control of your life, look at children. From pregnancy to birth to growing up, there is no logic behind it. It can't be explained who gets pregnant, when or why. Like I said, if it was logic, then I would already have a baby in my arms and not be struggling to write this. Look throughout the Bible, God uses these things to grow us and teach us. Throughout this God has helped me grow in my faith, strengthen my relationship with my husband, appreciate and enjoy my daughter and develop some wonderful friendships. I can feel that there is an ultimate plan" underway and I am trying to surrender control and let God do his work.
God has given me (and all of us) a great promise, so I ask that you pray for our family and our future child. Wherever this child is are, however he/she comes to us, we are already filed with love.

Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."