Venison Chili

This is my first "recipe" post. Now, I'm a pretty decent cook. I don't do it as much as I used to, but I know my way around the kitchen. One of Josh's recent favorites is venison chili. The problem is that I never follow the recipe! Am I the only one who cooks like that? I read like 3-5 different recipes and then take what I like from each one and combine it. In addition to that, I taste and season along the way. I typically have good results, but the problem is that I never remember what to do the next time! So, I am writing this one down as I go. Just hope it turns out as well as it did before - fingers crossed!

Venison Chili
1. I browned the 1.5 lbs of venison in a skillet and added salt and red pepper flakes. Like a dash of each? (Not only do I not follow recipes, but I also don't measure).

2. While the venison is browning, I chopped up a 1.5 green peppers and and 2 medium-ish yellow onions.  The extra half of green pepper was just because I had it in the fridge earlier in the week. If I hadn't had that, I probably would have use a whole number. I also chopped/added a couple cloves garlic. Sidenote - I always use fresh garlic and am currently growing my own on my counter. Anxious to see how my plant turns out!

3. Added all the chopped goodness to the venison and continued to brown it. Added another dask of red pepper flakes,chili powder, paprika, cumin, onion powder and some salt. This is when my house starts to smell like chili-goodness. Unfortunately my hands still smell like garlic. Ugh, I guess it is worth it.

4. After it was cooked and the veggies started to soften I put it all in my brand-new crockpot. I love my old and trusty crockpot, but I accidentally melted the face off of it and it no longer worked. Sometimes I am just not smart, but that is another story.

5. On top of all of it I added 3 cans of tomato sauce and 1 can of diced tomatoes with green chilies. I also sprinkled a packet of chili seasoning in there. I made my own once that was great, but I forgot the recipe (cause I didn't write it down as I was doing it. See? I have a problem).

6. Crockpot, on low for 4-5 hours. My new crockpot has an awesome attachment that actually stirs itself! So that's going right now. If you don't have that, then just stir it occasionally and add more seasonings as needed. While it is cooking I added about a teaspoon of each of the following: cumin, paprika,chili seasoning, red pepper flakes and  garlic salt.

We have guests coming over for dinner, so I am excited to see how this turns out! I'm also getting ready to bake a new cornbread recipe. Wish me luck on that one!

The verdict! It was great. So great that we are having friends over for leftovers today, but since there weren't a lot of leftovers I am making another half-batch. Unfortunately, it was the last of the venison in my freezer, so next time I will have to make it with regular ground beef. I have made it with beef before and it is just as delicious. The only change I would make to the recipe would be to drain the fat from the beef before putting it in the crockpot. We get all of our beef from a farmer in Iowa and it is delicious. Seriously, I will never buy grocery store beef again.

Cornbread was great too! Except I dropped the entire thing on the floor moments before dinner. It was the worst. But, my all of us tried a piece that hadn't hit the floor and agreed it was a great recipe. So, maybe next time I won't drop it and I will be able to actually eat a decent amount.

Confession

This post is hard to write. I am finally admitting a struggle. It seems that writing about it makes it real and publishing this sure makes me feel vulnerable. It is on my heart to share, and since I have never been a private person, I am hoping that this post will help someone, somewhere, with whatever struggles they are facing. Here is my confession, Josh and I are really struggling to have baby #2. It's not working and  my doctor has no clue why I am not pregnant. It has been an emotionally exhausting time, particularly the last couple months.We are in limbo...Nothing is "wrong", but nothing is "working". I am pretty sure in the educational field this is the point where we would start to blame the teacher, but in the medical field this is when we just "wait and see". I've come to terms with where I am right now. My little one prays every night and asks for two things : chocolate and a sister. One day it will come, but for now I have learned some valuable lessons during this last year.

1) I will never ask anyone, under any circumstances, when or if they are having kids. It seems innocent enough, I've done it countless times. Now that I am on the other side, I see how painful of a question it can be. I recently spent an entire meeting fighting back tears because in the beginning of the meeting someone said "Sounds like your daughter needs a little brother or sister". This is a woman I consider to be a friend, we've worked together for years. She has children of her own. I really enjoy working with her, talking to her, swapping stories about our kids; however, what she said hurt. She had no idea, so I am in no way blaming her, besides she isn't the only one. At another party a friend asked "Is there a little brother or sister in the future for your little one?" At Thanksgiving my grandma asked when I was due and every time my extended family gets together I get asked, "Do you have any news?" None of them have bad intentions, I completely understand it. They are considering it "small talk", at least that's what I did.  However, when you are having a problem conceiving, there is nothing small or light-hearted about the topic. Also, there really isn't a response to these types of questions. Trust me, I've tried out a lot of different ones. "I'm just enjoying time with our little family now", "My one keeps me busy enough", "We'll see". None of those are true, I'm just trying to mask my real answers and keep my emotions off my face, the whole time feeling as though I've been punched in the stomach.

2) These struggles are more common than you think.  If you know me, then you know I am an open book. I can't keep a secret to save my life. This led me to share information with people about our struggles. Once I confided in a couple people what was going on I was amazed at how many other women were affected! One friend estimated that 1/2 of the women at our church struggle. So why doesn't anyone talk about it?We share when we have other struggles, talk about the flu like it's no big deal, but this isn't brought up. The difference is that this is more personal. It is also because it is our forever family that it is affecting. I have always had this perfect idea of my family in my mind. I knew what I wanted and this is the first thing in my life that  I have wanted, worked for, but not been able to achieve. That is what makes it personal.  It feels like my failure(despite the fact that I logically know this is not the case). We all feel as though we need to be the "perfect" mom and wife, and this shows our vulnerability.  I know that other women feel this way too, and I hurt for all of those who keep it inside.


3) I will soak up every little moment with Little Miss : This is where the mommy-guilt is really hitting me. Josh and I planned for 2 or 3 kids. I have been functioning the last 2.5 years under the assumption that there will be another baby. Now, here I am thinking that it may not be a baby I get, but a toddler(adoption). How many coos, smiles, firsts or lasts have I taken for granted because of my greedy assumption? I look at her now, she's wearing underpants, the pacifier is gone and so is her crib.  I will keep looking forward, but I am refusing to let these things overshadow the perfect little girl that God has given me now.

4) I have the best girlfriends in the world:  These women deserve a huge shout-out here. I have a handful of women who I openly talk about this with. I probably share more than they would like, but regardless, these women hear it all. They have all come into my life at different times and know me in different ways. I have been lucky to make new friends as I open my heart about what I am going through and as Josh and I consider our options. Don't get me wrong, Josh is so supportive, but these women just "get it". I appreciate that, because when you are in a situation like this, it consumes your thoughts. It is constantly on my mind and all of these women know that. They listen to me change my mind on a daily basis, "I'm happy with one" changes to "We can adopt" and then it's "I'm not ready to give up". They allow me to do this and support whatever choice I am making that day. They understand when I cry at the sight of newborn baby, let me come over to sift through mounds of adoption paperwork. There are some days that I am not in control of my emotions at all and these women are there for me.I want it to be known, I am not taking these friendships lightly. I thank you all of that and thank God and his perfect timing that each of you has come into my life.

5) This is NOT in my control: We have this illusion of control in our lives. Some of it can be considered true. To be honest, this is the first thing in my life that I can't earn on my own, no matter how hard I try. I worked hard in high school, got into the college of my choice. Worked hard in college, landed a job I loved. Worked at my job and saved, bought a house I love. I am used to that strategy, work hard, do it all right and you get what you want. Naturally, it drives me nuts that the same philosophy isn't working with this.  I am doing everything in my control - tests at home, charting my temperature, recording every personal detail that I thought my doctors might find helpful. Everything was perfect. What did that tell the Doctor and I? That I am not in control of when I have a baby. If I was, then all logic would say that I would already have one. So logic is out and God is in. This is part of His plan, His perfect plan. If you ever happen to think that you are in control of your life, look at children. From pregnancy to birth to growing up, there is no logic behind it. It can't be explained who gets pregnant, when or why. Like I said, if it was logic, then I would already have a baby in my arms and not be struggling to write this. Look throughout the Bible, God uses these things to grow us and teach us. Throughout this God has helped me grow in my faith, strengthen my relationship with my husband, appreciate and enjoy my daughter and develop some wonderful friendships. I can feel that there is an ultimate plan" underway and I am trying to surrender control and let God do his work.
God has given me (and all of us) a great promise, so I ask that you pray for our family and our future child. Wherever this child is are, however he/she comes to us, we are already filed with love.

Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Enjoying the Quiet

As many of you know, this blog was started for Aubrey. It is for things I want to tell her or teach her. At least 85% of my intention. The other 15% is to help me process and think about her growing up and it makes me take time to reflect. Writing forces me to take a break and just think. No offense to you (my reader), but I'm not writing this for you. If you read it and like it that is great! I appreciate the kind words, if you don't read it or don't agree, no big deal to me. These are just my thoughts.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach Aubrey. There are a lot of things, which will probably come in future posts, but one has really been on my heart lately. Something I want her to learn, as well as something that I am working on. What I want her to know is how to be content in the quiet. Not just content, maybe even to enjoy quiet.

One of the best parts about this post is when it came to me. I was cleaning a toilet - no joke, on my knees cleaning one of grossest things in my house. I found myself feeling content, even happy, though that is such a weird feeling to have when cleaning a toilet. We were waiting for friends to come over, dinner was in the oven, the house was clean, Aubrey was napping, Josh was flipping through the magazine. No electronics, no extra noise, nothing going on, but it was the nothing that made me so content.

That got me thinking about how I want Aubrey to enjoy those quiet moments. I was happy exactly where I was, serving my family and friends and cleaning my toilet. We live in a world where there is always opportunity for visual, auditory or even mental "noise". With the tv, ipads, and our phones, Josh and I have to make a conscious effort not to get sucked into those things all the time. I can only imagine as technology continues to evolve that the struggle to disconnect from the noise to continue. I am amazed at what simple joy and clarity comes from unplugging and cutting out the noise. I want Aubrey to learn just because you can always be connected doesn't mean that you should always be connected.

It's not just the quiet moments I want her to learn to enjoy, but also the quiet stages in life. Josh and I are in one of those right now. I am nearing my late-20s I  and have been working hard towards my "future" as long as I can remember. I realized the other day that I made it. I am in the exact future that I have always wanted. I have met all my major goals in life. We own a nice house in a wonderful community, I teach and feel as though I am doing well in my profession, I have the fabulous friends, a wonderful, loving husband who supports me in every way and a spunky little girl who is perfect in every way. It hit me on the way into work the other day - I have everything I wanted. Everything I have prayed for since I was a little girl. This is the future I worked so hard to get. I finally am here.

I think part of it is that the momentum in my life has slowed down. High school seemed to start the whirlwind. Working towards college, extra curriculars, college applications, starting to figure out life, and who you are as a person. Yikes. From there it is college. Choose a career, study, earn a good GPA, volunteer, study abroad, mission work, student teaching, then graduation. I got my job but it didn't stop. Move, get married, buy a house, have a baby, buy a new house, move again. During all of this I have also gone through my first five years of teaching, in which I felt as though I was constantly growing and learning in my profession.  It has been a whirlwind, for as long as I can remember, but the past six months have seemed to slow down. We are finally "settled" into our house, I feel like I know what I am doing at work (some days). The little one isn't demanding my constant attention has gained some independence and is letting me sleep through the night (most nights). and Josh and I have a marriage communication and routine figured out. These days I feel as though I finally have a chance to breathe.I am happy with all parts of my life.

Then, why don't I feel content on some days? Growing up our parents, teachers, coaches and everyone else encourages us to keep improving and keep moving forward. People who tell us to never stop dreaming, work harder, plan ahead, get promotions, get another degree, keep moving forward. I feel like I am supposed to always be working towards something, but I'm at the point where I don't know what that something is,  because I am happy where I am. No one tells us what to do when we finally get to where we dreamed of. To be honest, it can be kind of anti-climactic. We are designed to always be thinking ahead and think about our future. This causes us to always be searching for something "more". I know there is more in my future, more kids (hopefully), Master's Degree, maybe a different job? Well, those things will be there, and my life will continue to evolve and change. For now I am going to enjoy the "quiet" phase I am in. That is what I want to show my daughter. That working hard and planning for the future is important, but enjoying the "quiet" in life is just as important.