I Choose...

I love my family. I cherish Josh and my little one so much. The kind of love that overwhelms your heart and soul. The kind of love that brings you to tears and laughter and overwhelming joy all at the same time. The kind of joy you wish you could share with the world. The kind of joy you believe would bring about world peace if everyone got to experience this level of happiness.

I love my job. I am confident in my work and realize that I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy. When I reflect on what  I do I am overwhelmed at the amazing opportunities I have to impact so many children. I have the opportunity to shape these children, encourage them, watch them grow and learn from them.

All of my roles, as a wife, a mother and a teacher bless me more than I can explain. I am at the point in my life where I know that this is me. I am doing exactly what God designed me for. When I sit and reflect on that I am content and happy beyond relief, but then there are those moments. We all have them, those moments that sneak up and make us question. Question if what we are doing is right for God, our family and for me, my students. Ugh...those thoughts can ruin perfect moments, good conversation and inner-confidence. I could say that  I wish those moments never happen, but ultimately for me they lead to more prayer, reflection and more purposeful actions both in work and my family.

My most recent "moment" was when a friend innocently said, "Well if I had to work..." and then continued to give me advice. I do not remember the advice she gave. Instead I only remember how she began her sentence to me. I'm not sure of a nice, or polite way to say this, but here is goes. Working is my choice. I don't have to work for any reason.  My husband is blessed with a great job that provides everything we need. My working has nothing to do with money. I am sorry if saying that bluntly offends anyone. I know that I am so very fortunate to be in that situation and I do not take it for granted.

Here is the fact: I choose to work. Everyday I choose to do in and teach I feel as though I am choosing hope. Hope that I can finally figure out how to explain subtraction or multiplication. Hope that I can teach a couple of them to be problem-solvers, or have stamina to work through new things. Hope that I can finally teach them strategies to overcome the obstacles working against them to have a better life. For some students, it is simply the hope that I can teach them they are important, they matter, they can make a difference. I choose hope for them, because as a teacher - as a human- if you don't have hope... well it just seems bleak.

Now mind you, I am not attempting to glorify myself. There are plenty of days I fail. My lessons bombs, my data is off and my goals that were so fresh and seemed so attainable at 8am suddenly seem so far away. However, there is something about opening the plan book at 7:45, looking at the goals and learning objectives and being hopeful that today is the day we will get there. At 7:45, every day feels like a possible day of huge success.

One day I had a particularly hard meeting with a parent. Without going into too much detail I will say that I felt as if I was fighting for this child. Trying to search for words to help the parents understand the child's needs. Desperately trying to communicate my hopes for this child and I was failing to help his family see the same hopes. I got into my car that day and cried. For him and all the other ones that need more hope and confidence from everyone around them. He needed hope, for someone to show that to him. I worked everyday to show him that. I worked to choose hope for him and show him how, despite circumstances, he could choose the same.

This hope, these goals and passion for teaching and these children is a part of me. I had "the guilt" about working in the beginning with my daughter. Will she feel as though I wasn't there for her? Will she be bitter that I am never the "room mom"? Here is what I realized that day- she will be okay. We have a great sitter who loves Little Miss like her own. She has a daddy that adores her and would do anything for her. She is the center of our world, our hope and our everything. She already has hope because she sees it in people around her. If Josh and I continue to be a lead example of hope at home and in her life she will understand the importance of what I do. One day she will understand. I hope and pray that she will look at what I do and understand that my work was never put before her or Josh, but that it is just another part of me. God designs us all in different ways and to do different things. This is my design and I am confident and comfortable in what I am doing. For now at least, because you never know how or when God will move you next. When that time comes, whether is is staying at home, pursuing another Master's Degree or whatever it may be, I will proceed with excitement in the new challenge God has presented to me.

Disclaimer: I just have to add this part. Please understand, I have had a hard time writing this, because I do not at all want it to turn into a debate for/against working moms/stay-at-home moms. They are both great positions to be in, each with their pros and cons. Everyone makes the decision that is best for their family and I really am not placing any opinion on the matter outside of what Josh and I have decided for our family. God designed us all with the perfect plan and placed us in different roles, each with a purpose and design just for each individual circumstance. To all moms : Thank you for all you do for your family!

Joy in Less

I recently started helping teach 1st and 2nd grade church on Wednesday nights, and I have to say it is SUCH a blessing. I really didn't plan on taking on this responsibility, but it happened and I am really enjoying it. I have come to the realization that God specifically designed me to be a teacher, since I am currently in two teaching roles at church and I clearly teach through the week. I love teaching, being in the moment when the ones you work with are on the brink of understanding something new then - click. It happens. What a blessing that I get to be a part of that for so many kiddos.

Anyway, with my girls (at church) I have been encouraging them to seek and acknowledge "God moments" throughout the week.

I saw God in the eyes of a coworker and friend. One who cares so much it hurts her, who despite her difficult class keeps wondering what she is doing wrong.

It was in a genuine and honest conversation with coworkers after work. We are all struggling with a similar issue, in different ways.

My biggest "God moment" revelation of the day came at dinnertime. I did something unthinkable. Something I literally have not done since school started. I fixed supper, sat it down in front of Little Miss and I sat down to eat with her. I cannot believe I don't do this more, but she's two. One of the few moments she is sitting in one place is when she is eating, so usually I take these 15 minutes or so to switch laundry, put dishes in the dishwasher, wipe counters or do anything I can. But today, I fixed her tomato soup and a quesadilla (because we have been out of bread all week and I haven't had the energy to pack her up and try go to the grocery store. Mom fail.) As I proudly watched her quickly catch on to the idea of "dipping" I realized how many of these dinner I have missed. The fact is, she doesn't care if I get the counters wiped, or laundry switched. My daughter has no idea that I haven't mopped the floor in waaaaay too long, or that the mantle needs to be dusted. I am also blessed to have a great husband who doesn't really care either (though I have to admit sometimes I go back and forth on if that is a blessing or a curse. Tonight I'm going with blessing). So that brought me to the question - why do I care? Why am I so frantic that everything has to be perfect??

It's because I am focused on the worldly perception of my life. Being the perfect mother, wife, teacher and church member. Volunteering, taking Little Miss to cheer class, coaching, serving at church, cleaning, cooking meals. I am now preparing to host Thanksgiving for 20 people. Yikes! And the truth is, I'll never be perfect in one of those areas, much less all of them. This year (and I mean school year. It's a teacher thing to always be thinking about your "years" starting in August) I have really looked at what I do. I think that what I do should always help me grow as a person and demonstrate love, caring and compassion for others. What of these things give me joy? I prioritized and now I have fewer commitments, but I feel more passion and enthusiasm for what I committed to. Instead of being at Cheer class and thinking about what I need to do the next day I am engaged in the moment,  watching my daughter show pride while walking on the balance beam. What a joy it has been! Instead of working on school work while she plays I am playing with her, and it is an amazing thing to watch. She is literally taking in everything around her. "Oh no, I'm stuck", I say as we are playing. Her response, "I help you. Oh no...TOOODLES". (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse reference, for those of you who don't have little ones).

So if she is absorbing everything around her, what I am instilling in her little heart? To rush from one thing to another, to say "yes" to every commitment people ask until you are overwhelmed? Not anymore. I am finding more joy in "doing" less (though what I have on my plate seems to be plenty to fill my day)  Engaging in the moment, focusing on commitments that you find joy in doing and slowing down long enough to focus and feel content that you are right where God has placed you.

And the dusty floors? They can wait, because a princess tea is much more important.

The Summer of Two

Things that I always want to remember about this summer:

1. How Little Miss says "Popsicle". A very confused friend asked me why my daughter was asking for a pocketbook.

2. Pretending to drown at the pool so lifeguard will save her. 

3. Having tea parties in her playhouse. It's amazing how anything she wanted would come out of the faucet in her playhouse. Even watermelon :) 

4. How when Josh and I would go into another room and come back 2 min later she would hug us and say "I miss you." Sometimes we didn't even leave the room at all. 

5. As I am writing this Little Miss climbed behind me and said "Me check diaper." Then pulled at my shorts and  said "No poopy. All clean". Then pats my back and says "Good Mommy."  

6. At her birthday putting her hands on her cheeks and shouting "Oh My Gosh". At a present. I believe it was Aunt Katie's Rapunzel Doll and matching dress that did the trick. 

7. Her first kiss, which was with her friend from church. It was in the church parking lot and possibly one of the most adorable things I have ever seen. I told her to say "Good-bye" to him and she gave him a hug, then grabbed his cheeks and planted a huge kiss on his lips. Usually her kisses are followed by an "I love you". To be honest  I can't remember if this particular one did or not, but when I tell the story when she is 16 years old you bet that I'm including the "I love you".

8. The pool - Her beaming face when she went down the toddler slide, how much she loved watering everyone's legs, swimming and blowing bubbles in the water.

9. When I ask her to go to bed and she says "No Mommy. Dance!!" and starts dancing around the living room.