As many of you know, this blog was started for Aubrey. It is for things I want to tell her or teach her. At least 85% of my intention. The other 15% is to help me process and think about her growing up and it makes me take time to reflect. Writing forces me to take a break and just think. No offense to you (my reader), but I'm not writing this for you. If you read it and like it that is great! I appreciate the kind words, if you don't read it or don't agree, no big deal to me. These are just my thoughts.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I want to teach Aubrey. There are a lot of things, which will probably come in future posts, but one has really been on my heart lately. Something I want her to learn, as well as something that I am working on. What I want her to know is how to be content in the quiet. Not just content, maybe even to enjoy quiet.
One of the best parts about this post is when it came to me. I was cleaning a toilet - no joke, on my knees cleaning one of grossest things in my house. I found myself feeling content, even happy, though that is such a weird feeling to have when cleaning a toilet. We were waiting for friends to come over, dinner was in the oven, the house was clean, Aubrey was napping, Josh was flipping through the magazine. No electronics, no extra noise, nothing going on, but it was the nothing that made me so content.
That got me thinking about how I want Aubrey to enjoy those quiet moments. I was happy exactly where I was, serving my family and friends and cleaning my toilet. We live in a world where there is always opportunity for visual, auditory or even mental "noise". With the tv, ipads, and our phones, Josh and I have to make a conscious effort not to get sucked into those things all the time. I can only imagine as technology continues to evolve that the struggle to disconnect from the noise to continue. I am amazed at what simple joy and clarity comes from unplugging and cutting out the noise. I want Aubrey to learn just because you can always be connected doesn't mean that you should always be connected.
It's not just the quiet moments I want her to learn to enjoy, but also the quiet stages in life. Josh and I are in one of those right now. I am nearing my late-20s I and have been working hard towards my "future" as long as I can remember. I realized the other day that I made it. I am in the exact future that I have always wanted. I have met all my major goals in life. We own a nice house in a wonderful community, I teach and feel as though I am doing well in my profession, I have the fabulous friends, a wonderful, loving husband who supports me in every way and a spunky little girl who is perfect in every way. It hit me on the way into work the other day - I have everything I wanted. Everything I have prayed for since I was a little girl. This is the future I worked so hard to get. I finally am here.
I think part of it is that the momentum in my life has slowed down. High school seemed to start the whirlwind. Working towards college, extra curriculars, college applications, starting to figure out life, and who you are as a person. Yikes. From there it is college. Choose a career, study, earn a good GPA, volunteer, study abroad, mission work, student teaching, then graduation. I got my job but it didn't stop. Move, get married, buy a house, have a baby, buy a new house, move again. During all of this I have also gone through my first five years of teaching, in which I felt as though I was constantly growing and learning in my profession. It has been a whirlwind, for as long as I can remember, but the past six months have seemed to slow down. We are finally "settled" into our house, I feel like I know what I am doing at work (some days). The little one isn't demanding my constant attention has gained some independence and is letting me sleep through the night (most nights). and Josh and I have a marriage communication and routine figured out. These days I feel as though I finally have a chance to breathe.I am happy with all parts of my life.
Then, why don't I feel content on some days? Growing up our parents, teachers, coaches and everyone else encourages us to keep improving and keep moving forward. People who tell us to never stop dreaming, work harder, plan ahead, get promotions, get another degree, keep moving forward. I feel like I am supposed to always be working towards something, but I'm at the point where I don't know what that something is, because I am happy where I am. No one tells us what to do when we finally get to where we dreamed of. To be honest, it can be kind of anti-climactic. We are designed to always be thinking ahead and think about our future. This causes us to always be searching for something "more". I know there is more in my future, more kids (hopefully), Master's Degree, maybe a different job? Well, those things will be there, and my life will continue to evolve and change. For now I am going to enjoy the "quiet" phase I am in. That is what I want to show my daughter. That working hard and planning for the future is important, but enjoying the "quiet" in life is just as important.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
I Choose...
I love my family. I cherish Josh and my little one so much. The kind of love that overwhelms your heart and soul. The kind of love that brings you to tears and laughter and overwhelming joy all at the same time. The kind of joy you wish you could share with the world. The kind of joy you believe would bring about world peace if everyone got to experience this level of happiness.
I love my job. I am confident in my work and realize that I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy. When I reflect on what I do I am overwhelmed at the amazing opportunities I have to impact so many children. I have the opportunity to shape these children, encourage them, watch them grow and learn from them.
All of my roles, as a wife, a mother and a teacher bless me more than I can explain. I am at the point in my life where I know that this is me. I am doing exactly what God designed me for. When I sit and reflect on that I am content and happy beyond relief, but then there are those moments. We all have them, those moments that sneak up and make us question. Question if what we are doing is right for God, our family and for me, my students. Ugh...those thoughts can ruin perfect moments, good conversation and inner-confidence. I could say that I wish those moments never happen, but ultimately for me they lead to more prayer, reflection and more purposeful actions both in work and my family.
My most recent "moment" was when a friend innocently said, "Well if I had to work..." and then continued to give me advice. I do not remember the advice she gave. Instead I only remember how she began her sentence to me. I'm not sure of a nice, or polite way to say this, but here is goes. Working is my choice. I don't have to work for any reason. My husband is blessed with a great job that provides everything we need. My working has nothing to do with money. I am sorry if saying that bluntly offends anyone. I know that I am so very fortunate to be in that situation and I do not take it for granted.
Here is the fact: I choose to work. Everyday I choose to do in and teach I feel as though I am choosing hope. Hope that I can finally figure out how to explain subtraction or multiplication. Hope that I can teach a couple of them to be problem-solvers, or have stamina to work through new things. Hope that I can finally teach them strategies to overcome the obstacles working against them to have a better life. For some students, it is simply the hope that I can teach them they are important, they matter, they can make a difference. I choose hope for them, because as a teacher - as a human- if you don't have hope... well it just seems bleak.
Now mind you, I am not attempting to glorify myself. There are plenty of days I fail. My lessons bombs, my data is off and my goals that were so fresh and seemed so attainable at 8am suddenly seem so far away. However, there is something about opening the plan book at 7:45, looking at the goals and learning objectives and being hopeful that today is the day we will get there. At 7:45, every day feels like a possible day of huge success.
One day I had a particularly hard meeting with a parent. Without going into too much detail I will say that I felt as if I was fighting for this child. Trying to search for words to help the parents understand the child's needs. Desperately trying to communicate my hopes for this child and I was failing to help his family see the same hopes. I got into my car that day and cried. For him and all the other ones that need more hope and confidence from everyone around them. He needed hope, for someone to show that to him. I worked everyday to show him that. I worked to choose hope for him and show him how, despite circumstances, he could choose the same.
This hope, these goals and passion for teaching and these children is a part of me. I had "the guilt" about working in the beginning with my daughter. Will she feel as though I wasn't there for her? Will she be bitter that I am never the "room mom"? Here is what I realized that day- she will be okay. We have a great sitter who loves Little Miss like her own. She has a daddy that adores her and would do anything for her. She is the center of our world, our hope and our everything. She already has hope because she sees it in people around her. If Josh and I continue to be a lead example of hope at home and in her life she will understand the importance of what I do. One day she will understand. I hope and pray that she will look at what I do and understand that my work was never put before her or Josh, but that it is just another part of me. God designs us all in different ways and to do different things. This is my design and I am confident and comfortable in what I am doing. For now at least, because you never know how or when God will move you next. When that time comes, whether is is staying at home, pursuing another Master's Degree or whatever it may be, I will proceed with excitement in the new challenge God has presented to me.
Disclaimer: I just have to add this part. Please understand, I have had a hard time writing this, because I do not at all want it to turn into a debate for/against working moms/stay-at-home moms. They are both great positions to be in, each with their pros and cons. Everyone makes the decision that is best for their family and I really am not placing any opinion on the matter outside of what Josh and I have decided for our family. God designed us all with the perfect plan and placed us in different roles, each with a purpose and design just for each individual circumstance. To all moms : Thank you for all you do for your family!
I love my job. I am confident in my work and realize that I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy. When I reflect on what I do I am overwhelmed at the amazing opportunities I have to impact so many children. I have the opportunity to shape these children, encourage them, watch them grow and learn from them.
All of my roles, as a wife, a mother and a teacher bless me more than I can explain. I am at the point in my life where I know that this is me. I am doing exactly what God designed me for. When I sit and reflect on that I am content and happy beyond relief, but then there are those moments. We all have them, those moments that sneak up and make us question. Question if what we are doing is right for God, our family and for me, my students. Ugh...those thoughts can ruin perfect moments, good conversation and inner-confidence. I could say that I wish those moments never happen, but ultimately for me they lead to more prayer, reflection and more purposeful actions both in work and my family.
My most recent "moment" was when a friend innocently said, "Well if I had to work..." and then continued to give me advice. I do not remember the advice she gave. Instead I only remember how she began her sentence to me. I'm not sure of a nice, or polite way to say this, but here is goes. Working is my choice. I don't have to work for any reason. My husband is blessed with a great job that provides everything we need. My working has nothing to do with money. I am sorry if saying that bluntly offends anyone. I know that I am so very fortunate to be in that situation and I do not take it for granted.
Here is the fact: I choose to work. Everyday I choose to do in and teach I feel as though I am choosing hope. Hope that I can finally figure out how to explain subtraction or multiplication. Hope that I can teach a couple of them to be problem-solvers, or have stamina to work through new things. Hope that I can finally teach them strategies to overcome the obstacles working against them to have a better life. For some students, it is simply the hope that I can teach them they are important, they matter, they can make a difference. I choose hope for them, because as a teacher - as a human- if you don't have hope... well it just seems bleak.
Now mind you, I am not attempting to glorify myself. There are plenty of days I fail. My lessons bombs, my data is off and my goals that were so fresh and seemed so attainable at 8am suddenly seem so far away. However, there is something about opening the plan book at 7:45, looking at the goals and learning objectives and being hopeful that today is the day we will get there. At 7:45, every day feels like a possible day of huge success.
One day I had a particularly hard meeting with a parent. Without going into too much detail I will say that I felt as if I was fighting for this child. Trying to search for words to help the parents understand the child's needs. Desperately trying to communicate my hopes for this child and I was failing to help his family see the same hopes. I got into my car that day and cried. For him and all the other ones that need more hope and confidence from everyone around them. He needed hope, for someone to show that to him. I worked everyday to show him that. I worked to choose hope for him and show him how, despite circumstances, he could choose the same.
This hope, these goals and passion for teaching and these children is a part of me. I had "the guilt" about working in the beginning with my daughter. Will she feel as though I wasn't there for her? Will she be bitter that I am never the "room mom"? Here is what I realized that day- she will be okay. We have a great sitter who loves Little Miss like her own. She has a daddy that adores her and would do anything for her. She is the center of our world, our hope and our everything. She already has hope because she sees it in people around her. If Josh and I continue to be a lead example of hope at home and in her life she will understand the importance of what I do. One day she will understand. I hope and pray that she will look at what I do and understand that my work was never put before her or Josh, but that it is just another part of me. God designs us all in different ways and to do different things. This is my design and I am confident and comfortable in what I am doing. For now at least, because you never know how or when God will move you next. When that time comes, whether is is staying at home, pursuing another Master's Degree or whatever it may be, I will proceed with excitement in the new challenge God has presented to me.
Disclaimer: I just have to add this part. Please understand, I have had a hard time writing this, because I do not at all want it to turn into a debate for/against working moms/stay-at-home moms. They are both great positions to be in, each with their pros and cons. Everyone makes the decision that is best for their family and I really am not placing any opinion on the matter outside of what Josh and I have decided for our family. God designed us all with the perfect plan and placed us in different roles, each with a purpose and design just for each individual circumstance. To all moms : Thank you for all you do for your family!
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