Last year I imagined I would be writing this with a new baby, and if not I was sure I would be expecting. But I look and see a stack of fertility paperwork on the table and a stack of adoption information and applications. Not knowing what path to choose we are still waiting. Waiting longer than I ever thought I would and being more unsure than ever about next steps. What a difference a year makes.
I imagined writing this with Josh's work schedule changing. As many of you know, he is gone most of the week for work. It was a "temporary" change, two years at the most. We are now inching in one three years. Two years seemed workable, but this extra year has seemed to become more exhausting. Little Miss notices that Daddy isn't here and misses him. She understands the idea of him being gone and cries for him to come home. In the past it was part of our routine and she didn't think twice about Daddy being gone all the time.
Externally, things have changed. Aubrey is taller and the thick curls are running wild. My kitchen is remodeled with new granite and beautiful cabinets. Looking back on last years post I can see an evolution in the toys scattered across my living room. Last year it was stuffed Woody, Buzz and Jessie. This year it is sophisticated Barbies, dress up clothes and real puzzles she can actually complete on her own. She is no longer in diapers (can I get a Hallelujah?!) She is starting preschool, talking like an eight year old and into independence. She has grown up into a little girl and I have to say, it is amazing to watch the beautiful little girl she is growing into. What a difference a year makes.
Looking at work, there have certainly been changes in that aspect this year for both Josh and I. Some of them have been positive and some have been complicated. We have grown as professionals and friends. I am not the educator that I was a year ago.
Financially.. (Ok, I just had to take a deep breath. I hate discussing finances, but I think this is worth noting) Anyway, financially we have made leaps and bounds on becoming debt free. We are within reach of only having a mortgage and one car payment. Like I said, I am not one to share much about finances, but this has been such a rewarding process this year. What a difference a year made on our finances.
Looking back on this year, there have clearly been highs and lows. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was anticipating certain changes and as you read above, many of those things stayed the same. Instead of situations changing, I have changed and after all, I can't say that waiting on these big events for so long doesn't change you. It hit me as I was thinking over this post in the car I couldn't help but feel discouraged. This year held such high hopes that I can't help but feel a little disappointed. But I am still holding on with anticipation, waiting and that's okay. This year will have wonderful things in store. Two of my best friends are welcoming their beautiful babies into the world. I am learning new things and growing as an educator and I excited to help my students.
Looking forward to this next year with my family, I continue to be anxious. My goal for this year is to trust in God's timing and plan. Easier said than done for a perfectionist who tends to be a little of a control-freak! My verse for this year is Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Though I have some discouragement, when looking back there is no doubt that I owe Him thanks because he has done more than I ever deserved.
I already know this year won't go as expected. I will have highs and lows and I need to give up control on what I think the year should hold. This is not about me. In the meantime, I will continue to be writing because I am looking forward to seeing what a difference this next year will make.
